An Expected Life
by hariboo-smirks
Summary: Nathan's life was always planned out for him. He knew it. He accepted it.


**An Expected Life**

He only held her once. A few weeks after Meredith had given birth to her. Meredith had called him up, during the middle of his studying for the bar, and in her smoky voice told him that unless he didn't give a shit at all he should come and see them because she was heading south, down back to Texas, and wasn't planning on coming back. Nathan had sighed and called Heidi to cancel their weekend's plans - he really needed to study anyway and said he'd take her out to Cipriani's the next week. Always understanding, Heidi agreed and for three more hours Nathan stayed in his apartment with a beer before shrugging on his coat and making his way to Meredith's tiny loft in Brooklyn to see the daughter he was not supposed to have. 

The subway had been dirtier then, the graffiti cruder and the smell of urine permeated every square inch of it. The trip was longer than he remembered and when he exited the station, five blocks from Meredith's loft, Nathan felt slightly relieved that his daughter wouldn't grow up around it. Meredith had sent him a letter a few weeks ago telling him of her mother's house in Texas and Nathan imagined a bright blue sky where is daughter, whose name he still didn't know, would spin in circles and trace shapes in the clouds. 

For a brief moment Nathan thought about joining them, but then he remembered his family, Heidi, Peter and how they expected him to stay and pass the bar and succeed, how his father expected him to join him in his firm, and how his mother approved of Heidi's social standing. Meredith, with her smooth accent and tendency for cigarettes and pyromania, a joke between them and all her candles, would never be. Peter would have been the only one to accept them, but Peter was just like that. He just felt for everybody and would love them if Nathan did.

Huddling into his coat, Nathan pressed the call button to the loft and once again was thankful that Texas was warmer, because the loft had shitty heaters and Meredith barely made rent on a good month. He might not be able to help out Meredith, and she might not want his help now, but he didn't want his daughter feel cold. He wanted her happy and warm, sunshine and sunflowers, and all the gay shit that parents what for their kids. 

Walking up the stairs he couldn't help but noticed the difference from the ones in his parent's house. These were cool steel and warm wood, unforgiving and solid. The Petrelli's stairs were always icy marble with a slippery rug running down them, one a baby could easily slip on. 

Nathan straightened his back and made it to Meredith's floor. By the time he got to the door, he noticed Meredith was smoking by the door, waiting for him. 

"Took you long enough," she blew out a smoke ring and Nathan waved it away as he approached. 

"I don't think you should be doing that." He ignored her and stepped into the apartment, not taking his coat off and watching as Meredith's lips sucked the cigarette to death. 

"What? It's not like I'm breast feeding." Meredith finished her drag and then flicked the cigarette to the ground and stomping it off with her boot heel. Nathan still thought it was amusing that she wore those cowboy boots, even if they were the reason he first noticed her at all, but they made her legs look good and he knew she knew that. 

Nathan looked towards the back of the small loft, as if he had x-ray vision, in hopes to catch a glimpse of the baby. Instead of asking though, he shrugged, "Why not?" 

"The breast feeding?" Meredith turned into the loft and closed the door behind her, locking it. Nathan nodded, silently glad that Meredith had the foresight to do that. 

"Yeah," 

Meredith smiled sharply and Nathan could feel his smirk growing in response, "Because like hell I was gonna quit my cigarettes for longer than needed." 

"I had a feeling." Nathan smirked fully and walked into the small living area, Meredith followed, and neither asked about the reason Nathan was there. They stood silent until they heard a small coo from behind the beaded curtain Meredith had instead of a bedroom door. 

Nathan turned too quickly towards the sound and Meredith moved towards it like second nature already. As she was pushing the curtain back she turned to Nathan, "Well, you coming or what?" 

Nathan unfroze from his position and followed Meredith through the curtain, leaving the beads to clink together behind them. He watched as he picked a white bundle from the tiny crib in the corner of the room, closest to the radiator. Meredith shifted the small shape onto her shoulder and walked to Nathan, "Nathan, this is Claire." 

Claire, the name shot through Nathan like a bullet and he moved unconsciously closer to Meredith. "Claire?" 

"Yeah, you like it?" Meredith moved the baby and turned her so Nathan could see her better. She had the roundest face Nathan had ever seen and a quiet smile on her tiny lips. Nathan felt like telling Meredith he was going to leave with them, instead he asked, "Can I hold her?" 

Meredith smiled and shifted Claire into Nathan's arms. "Sure, you are her daddy." Her accent wrapped around the word and Nathan felt a pressure in his chest, he fought for control over. 

He said nothing to that and just held on to Claire, remembering how he would hold Peter when he was younger and Pete would cry when their parents would fight or some of their friends would come over. Claire, like Peter, was warm and so small in his arms. She blinked small blue-green eyes to him and Nathan wondered if they would stay like this or change to the Petrelli hazel-brown. Claire then cooed again and he didn't care about her eye colour as he clutched her tighter to him. He lifted her and pressed a kiss to her forehead, making himself remember that she smelled like apples and sugar. He then felt her small warm hand cup his chin, almost as if she telling him everything was okay and she knew he was hers. And even if they never saw each other again, she was his. Were he more like Peter, Nathan thought, he would probably be crying. Instead he brushed his thumb against her fat cheek and smiled at her. She smiled back, though Nathan probably knew it wasn't because if his, and he definitely saw the Petrelli charm there. He pressed kiss to her cheek and just held on a little while longer.

He was slightly aware that Meredith left the room and for a second wondered what would happen should she just leave right now and leave Claire with him. The part of Nathan that hoped for that was dosed with relief when he heard her moving around in the kitchenette. 

Meredith then came back in with a bottle and tilted it towards Nathan, "Wanna feed her?" 

"Sure," Nathan took the bottle and with a remembered eased shifted Claire and pressed the nipple of the bottle to a tiny pink mouth. As her tiny hands grabbed at the bottle, Nathan kept it steady, pretending she was doing all of the worked and smiled. 

"You're good at that." Meredith's voice cut through the moment like a warm knife.

Turning his eyes toward Meredith, he smiled charmingly, "I'm a man of many skills." 

"Don't I know it?" Meredith smile was sad, but Nathan didn't let himself dwell on it. 

After Claire's bottle he burped her and put her back down in her crib. He tucked her in and pressed his nose to her soft and fat cheeks once again, inhaling deeply. Standing he turned to Meredith, "I have to go now." 

She only nodded and walked him to the door. At the threshold she leaned against the doorframe and crossed her arms. "We'll be okay." 

"I have no doubt of that, but should you ever..quot; 

"Yeah, I'll call." Meredith then snorted, "I'm sure your mom will love that." 

Nathan set his jaw, "It doesn't matter what my mother will think, still call." His eyes must belayed his seriousness because the retort he saw gearing up to made never made it past Meredith's lips. 

"Sure, I'll call." Meredith repeated, quieter.

They nodded to each other and Nathan gave one last look to the inside of the loft before making himself leave. He was one flight down before he heard the door close. Leaning against the wall he took a breath and continued on his way, the smell of Claire in his nose and a small stain of spittle on his lapel. He made a mental note to send it to the cleaners. 

§

The next call he got from Meredith was months later and about the fire and he doesn't remember much of the conversation except for the fact that after he hung he punched a wall and got very drunk. 

Heidi had thought it was about school and Peter hugged him as if he understood. 

His mother only asked if he was thinking about marrying Heidi. 

Nathan said yes. 


End file.
